Soo Close, but still very far

this all started with me looking for romance, looking for love. it was late June of ‘07 when i met arlene. she was just getting out of a relationship, and i, well i was a lost soul. i didnt have any beliefs, my friday night was the extent of my plans for the future, i worked hard and i partied harder. nothing else mattered but myself and what i wanted. at the time my sister in law introduced us to each other, first just through texting, then over the phone. it had to be that way because she lives in the Philippines. half way around the world. first it was all through texting, got to know her through that. started falling for her through texting, people doubted me on that, i even questioned it myself sometimes. but then she did something that moved me. she took my feelings and put it infront of hers, no one’s ever done that for me.

“Nobody is worth your tears and the one who is won’t make you cry.” I find this to be a horrible quote, cause im so much in love that I do cry. I don’t care if I am only turning 14 tomorrow. That is why it hurts so bad when you have an argument with the one you love and he leave it by saying “What the hell is wrong with you?” and the only way you can reply because your are so shocked is, “I don’t know.’ Do you know the worst part of that is? Is when the one you love, the one you trust with everything, goes and tells you “you’re sick”. Especially when it’s over aim. Whoever created the internet is horrible. So here I am sitting over the fact that this guy knows I love him a lot, so why does he have to say something that nasty to me? Love hurts so much that you cry. It doesn’t make any sense. Im just a stupid sick 14 year old trying to figure out life, laughing at things that shouldn’t be laughed at. Okay, so yeah, I have a sick sense of humor, but so what? You say you love me, if you love someone, you love everything about them. God, I even cried the last time I hugged him on his birthday. I cried the whole car ride home too. Now that we are supposed to hang out on Saturday, I don’t even think he will come. Happy Birthday to Me!

i close my eyes trying to forget about him. his face. why did he have to be him? why didn’t i just forget about his lips ans everything about him? i turn over the other side. i close my eyes try hardest not to cry. my heart hurt a lot. i repeat myself…get out of my head and for ever! STOP REPEATING THE MEMORIES!!! i turn and look at the clock it said 2:56am. shit i had a long day tomorrow. so, someone tell me what to do so i can get the boy i love out of my mind.

I consider this story of mine as very painful..

My story happened two years ago..

During my sophomore years, I met this guy through the internet. I felt then that he liked me cause he kept on sending me emails everyday. And then later on, he asked my phone number and I gave it to him. Never did I imagined that as we go through communicating he was able to express his feeling to me. Because that was really my first time, I felt ashamed and afraid. After five months of our communication, he decided to visit me in my country. We met in person and he said he like me.. He became my first boyfriend and became the first also whom I’ve given the most important treasure a woman would consider-my virginity. Because I was not an experienced woman especially on handling such relationship and I was young then. I think he felt that I don;t like him because I never showed him my feelings because I was really shy to talk to him. I love him but i’m so hesitant to show my feelings to him.

After ten days of being together, he left for home. He sent me sms three times and I guess and decided to put an end to our communication, Because I felt that he is not coming back and maybe he was turned off because I was cold to him. But if he really loves me, then he must sacrificed also..

Three days after his leaving I felt like I lost half of my life. I want to send him email but I was trying to hold myself because of the fear that he might ignore me. I bear the pain. I’m always praying to God asking signs. Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years and until now, I find it hard to fall in love with another wman. I am afraid I might fail again. Many guys are very interested in me but I just ignore them for the reason that God will give him back to me..My nights then were sleepless cause I’m always crying. I pretend to be happy in front of my friends but deep inside, I am bleeding. I am really affected. Frustrated. Hurt. Until now, I am graduating but still no bf. Cause what I want is him. I’m just not sure, i’m hoping, I don’t know if i hope for nothing. I don’t know when I can overcome this. The hrdest thing