fate or choice??

i’m a 21 year old promising young girl who had a lot of ambitions and dreams in life but somehow everything seems so blur to me right now.i did’nt even come to realise that how and when emotions overwhelmed me so much.i’m writing this story express myself and seek advice from you all worthy readers.

i don’t know where to start from…well i was this geek sort of a person in my school,i.e i was not interested in talking to people much and always knew what i had wanted for myself and i was content if not happy in my own little world and thought i could conquer the world.love was a special sacred feeling and i always thought i would never be able to experience it and not because i did’nt want to but i thought i would never be able to feel anything so strong for anybody as there were a very few people i could hardly relate to.

then my world changed….i went into college and suddenly found myself in the centre of attention of everybody…whether it was guys or academics,friends…everything.maybe it was because i did not come with a previous reputation of being “the uninterested girl”.and then i saw this guy whose name was same as my grandfather’s whom i love the most in this world,and i instantly felt some sort of connection….i still remember the days so clearly,it was d first sem starting.but we were not in talkin terms…and suddenly a friend of mine arranded a tutoring lesson and he was to be teaching us a particular topic. and i was awestruck…really it was something,d spark…and i started hearing his name instead of everybody else’s…it was so strange.i thought it to be a passing infatuation and kept this thing all a secret.we just said hi hello to each other while passing each other occasionally and it bought a spontaneous smile to my face.then i hear rumours that he likes me n everything which i denied and did not want to believe coz i did’nt want to get hurt afterwards.but surely wanted it to be true.one day i hear he proposed to some other girl in our college and oh…it hurt so much..even i did’nt know why..i was so much full of grief and thought what i was lacking…???and what i could not stand was both of them together …it just pinched me so hard…and i lessened my visits outside so as to avoid their site…that was the first time i realised how deeply he had affected me…..then came the end of the year and after the break i find they both break up.

over the common college lan suddenly he messages me and we are talking over the text message chat till late in the night and i realise we had lot more in common and more than that first time i could share his thoughts which were highly intellectual and inspiring. it brought out the best in me and we disscussed on philosophy and life realising so much….it brings tears to my eyes when i remember those days.they were the best days with no expectations,no pains…it was perfect.and i was happy,i thought i wanted nothing more…really,i did’nt want to tamper with this perfection.but least i knew what fate had in store.

his mother had died when he was 4 and at the end of 2 nd year his father passed away.how much i wanted to be with him…to share his problems…it was a difficult period.he came in late to college and nothing was the same again..ever but it was not it.we were in touch and i knew i had grown almost obssesed with him.it was more of a secret for me coz i never wanted to believe it but people around me could sense what i felt for him.things started to get worse….he seemed lost and later i found he also lost his grandmother who was like his mother too.he did not keep well too,i told him so many times to get advanced tests done on him but he would always take things lightly.

the next semester he did not come to the coll for quite some time and i started to get worried..i would text msg him but there were few or no replies.even i got angry and wanted to see even if he was as interested as i was.then on his birthday…i called him up at midnight and he showed he was all fine and i doubted..t knew there was something wrong.that day in the evening through text msgs he told me he had liver cancer and the tumour was to be operated. i was not in my senses…i hardly believed what he said and did’nt want to.i gathered some courage and called him after a while …there was nothing much to say but that was was the best conversation ever…i was into tears but did nt let him know..i told him he was special to me and even he has felt something as i used to give him certain signs through timing of my text msgs….i knew there was some connection which neither of us could explain.

i was shattered but wanted to make most of what there could have been…and leaving my inhibitions i called almost everyday..we talked and i cannot forget those moments…he was so detatched from things,maybe it was required of him to endure the pain he was going through.i was scared what if this was the last time i was hearing his voice…what if i never would see him again…his every small thing reminded me of him…he was and is on my mind everytime..every single moment literally…i get up with his thoughts..every time ..whatever i do i miss him so much and i dream about him…

well then he said he would be coming to he coll once again and he did….i got up with a very bad stomache this morning…but i msged him n he said he was on his way to the coll. i was excited…he called me up in the evening and we met but there were some other friends too…i wanted a moment alone with him…ohhh i remember i was brimming with tears….i was soo scared, i wanted that moment to last forever n ever looking at his eyes …seeing him in flesh and blood…he seemed perfect to me…it was night and we had to be back in the hostels.i msged him to meet me the next day…i could hardly sleep,got up early and got ready…waiting for his call.and i saw one his friend..go out from the hostel to meet him and he was waiting for her outside,that nearly killed me…why did’nt he call me…he was to meet her just before he was leaving…i just could not take it and went for my classes without even seeing him that morning,i was so full of anger or jealousy..i don’t know what was it but i regret it now.then someone told me he was just about to leave and i rushed to see him…it was so awkward…and he was leaving..the moment just slipped away i could not say anything…just wanted to take that memory in me forever.

it was enough for me…i could not take it any longer and something came upon me and i msged him that i loved him.i thought he wud call me or atleast he would reply and he did’nt…but i don’t know why i was smiling that day,i knew he left but somewhere i thought i had him.he called me the day after many a times but i was not ready somehow to take up his calls..and when i finally did i could not talk to him…he said all he could say was that he misses me.

that was the last time i saw him..it was about 7 months back.after that it was all so awkward…after some time i gathered some courage and called him..when my mother was very ill he was the first person i thought of telling… i really needed him and he was there..he supported me even though he himself was going through such big problems.i don’t know where does he draws his strength from??seems like a movie story even to me sometimes…things don’t seem real..it feels as if it will all turn out to be a dream sometime.

he had his surgery done…and told me that he would be fine now but i always felt there was something wrong.i talked to him over the phone few times.it was my birthday and i expected him to call and he did’nt…i felt worthless…i was so angry i tore apart every gift he gave…deleted every picture of his…i was so hard..i was dejected.then i came to know he was again in the hospital n i felt so guilty,i should’nt have judged him even though he was so troubled….and he told me after much pestering that he was not at all well and the surgery was unsuccessful.uptill now i had lost faith…faith in everything….i was aggreived..i was all in tears and still iam.then suddenly he stops talkin to me…he blocks me on gtalk,he does’nt reply to my msgs,does’nt answer my calls….it has been the worse since then.3 months almost…each day i only think what could i do to make him talk to me??i’ve tried everything..i’ve been angry…i’ve almost begged him telling him its important to me.if he thinkby not talkin he’s doin me a favour as i would better not get more into him,then he’s wrong….he’s making things more difficult. i understand im being selfish as he’s going through so much,but then all i want is just to be in touch,who knows..its so weird because i don’t know what to deal with ?his far cousin tells me he’s fine..then i become atleast assured that he’s fine but at the same time feel so bad that he does’nt want to talk to me.and when i don’t see him on orkut for a while i get worried about his health.

i just don’t know what to do…i’m too much into him..he’s here with me everytime.all i want is he would atleast not cut me off like this,i really feel for him…what i feel is i think much beyond ne known ties and i could not find a stronger relation than love so i think this is love and much more…..

i love you so much….please please talk to me.the time is ticking away and i’m breaking down…