Just Don’t Know What To Do…

Sixth grade… midway through. michael, he asks me out. i said yes. so we dated. teddy bears, heart shaped ballons, movies… he was oh so sweet. at the end of the school year, we lost touch. he moved to a different school, and he wasn’t allowed to use the phone so long. i forgot about him. Then, in the beginning of senior year at our high school, he’s in my class. i was surprised and hurt at the same time. he asked me to sit next to him, and told me he didn’t bite, with his cute smile, and beautiful eyes. we became a couple again. we both thought it was fate. that there was a reason for us to be together again. after nine months of being together, we graduated, and moved to north carolina together, where the only people we knew was his brother, and his brothers girlfriend. one month after we moved there he started to become distant. started sleeping out on the couch. said he got so tired when he got out of work that he just fell asleep on the couch. on our ten month anniversary i thought i would make him something special. so i got on the computer, and made a card. with a rose on the front. said i would love him always on the front also. on the inside i wrote him a poem, and wrote down the most loving words i have ever actually felt in my life, on that card.
when he got home from work, i took his hand, and asked him to come into our room, told him i had a surprise for him. he sits down on the bed, and i handed him the card, told him happy ten months, and told him i loved him. he just looked down. told me that he had to send me back up home. that his brother didn’t want me to live there anymore. that didn’t make sense because his brother was always telling me that it’s great having me around. we always had a good time. so i asked his brother’s girlfriend about it. she told me that mike didn’t mention that part… i was confused even more. so when he got out of work the next day, i sat him down. and asked him what was really going on. he told me that he just wanted to be single for a while. that hurt, but not as much as when i found out that was a lie also. the next night he confessed that those were both lies and that he had really found someone else. he was 19, i was 18, and the girl he found… was 16. when he first said he found someone else. i couldn’t breath, my heart felt like it stopped. all i could think was why… why is my first love, the love of my life being taken away from me… he then told me that he didn’t want to hurt me, and that he still cared for me, just not like he used to. what did this 16 year old have over me? was she skinnier, prettier, does she put out more? what did i do so wrong for him to forget about everything we had as soon as he met another girl? he tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but i pulled away. i told him not to touch me, that if he really cared that he wouldn’t have let his feelings get that far for someone else. since then, he’s had three girlfriends… i moved back home. i am depressed, un loved, and i can’t seem to love someone. it’s been almost a year since we split and i have had two relationship. both which ended where i couldn’t love them because i was still so much in love with michael. i don’t sleep, when i do eat i eat too much, i have lost weight, gained weight, i think way too much about him. he and i still talk. we were best friends before we actually got together. we know each other better than anyone else knows either of us. is part of the reason i can’t get over him because he and i haven’t burned our bridge? because we still talk? i don’t know what to do. my head keeps scrambling… thoughts of him, the times we used to have… everything we went through… all the horrible moments we helped each other through… what happened to it… i can’t move on. i have tried. i am still hurt, and i still love him with every beat of my heart. i can’t give my heart away to anyone else, because he still has it…. i just… don’t know what to do…. Hurt and Still Loving Him