lack of dedication

i met aiden during the time of winter, in 2003. i was coming out of a club, and me and some friends were driving to a friends house to drop her off, next to us there was a car with 3 guys. my friends said hey marlene nice car there, talk to the driver, i replied smiling but not interested, so i ignored the guys, next thing you know they are following us, and as we got to my friends house, the car with the guys pulled right next to us, letting me see the passenger. i seen a cute handsome guy with a very nice smile that captured my attention, so as a girl that i am i felt attracted to this guy, so i felt i had to do something to get his attention, while my friends would make fun of me, since he did look pretty young, yeah he was 18 at the time and i was 21, but i didnt look that old , as a matter of fact i dont show the age that i am, now im 26, but coming back, me and this guy ended hooking up, i got a phone call from him the next day, i asked his age, and of course he denied it, because i guess he was afraid i wouldent pay attention to him since i was older. but little did he know that didnt matter to me. i felt happy he had called, he invited me to a party the next day, but unfortunally i had no car, neither did he, so i had no choice than to wait for the time to come and go on a date, well funny thing is we didnt get to a first date, one of his friend from the army was visitting, and he happened to have a car, so i called a friend up to see if she would go with me so she can hang out with the guy, so i can hang out with aiden. so she wasent able to make it for other reasons, and i ended hanging out with ivan either way, his friend left us alone in aidens garage, since he knew it would feel akward for the 3 of us, he was the third wheel, hope thats how you call it, anyhow so, i hanged out with ivan for the rest of the night, he was sweet, and not touchy or disrespectful, he just kept rubbing my belly, and i thought that was very cute of him, so that made me feel comfort with him that i didnt think of the consequences now, and i got intimate with him, yes it happened soon, but i felt it was ok, and thought i would end up being this guys girlfriend, so i wasent thinking negative , just positive things in my heart, maybe that was my mistake that i thought with my heart and not my head, inside me i felt something very special, something i have never felt inside me before. so time went by, and valentines came up, i thought i would be with him but he still didnt had ask for me to be his girl, so i felt bad, and cried, ended up going out with a friend, and her boyfriend at the time, who happened to have a friend, that liked me, and another friend of ours, this valentine was so sad, because i felt angry and sad not being able to be with aiden. so i gave aiden a call crying, arguing and asking why wasent he with me that day, or even asked me yet to be his girlfriend. i remember my friend asking aiden, why was he making me cry, he didnt make me cry, i was just sad and cried it out. so the next to days we ended up seeing eachother, and hanging out with one of his cousins, and one of my friends, we got a couple of drinks, and i got kind of tipsy, so i got sentimental, and started to cry to him, asking why wasen he with me on valentines, or why he didnt bother asking me to be his girl, if he just used me or what? so i remember he held me back on a bed and said i love you. and asked for me to be his girl, i staretd to cry again, and felt so comfort in his arms again, and ended being intimate with him again. time passed by, and we were ok, but since he didnt have a car or neither did i, we would hardly see eachother, but at the end he ended up getting a car, and i was happy for him, and happy for me, because i thought things would be better and we would see eachother more often, but i was wrong, things got bad, aiden was cheatting on me with another girl who he even made his girlfriend, while he was still with me, i asked why? and he replied remember that you would always acuse me of cheating , and i wasent, well there it is, now you got what you assumed. i felt devistated, because he kept calling that girl back, telling her to forgive him, that he had no feelings for me, and that he didnt want to be with me, that he wanted to work something out with her, but i kept calling back asking him to change, and to think things over. well at the end he stood with me, i thought he would change and probably dedicate more time to me, but i was thinking to high of him, he didnt change at all..i started acting violent and rubbing it in his face of how guys would like me, and etc…just to get his attention, but i had no one, i had a web page on the net, with pictures of me, having people send me very nice compliments, but that was it, never crossed my mind to actually go off line and meet these guys, i knew better than that, i also had a guyfriend who i thought was a friend i can trust and ask for advice since he was a guy, but i made a mistake he was the wrong and least prson i should have gone to, he had a crush on me all along and i ignored it, i was young, i didnt care about him or his feelings , so i would always talk so much of how i was in love with aiden, but how he didnt pay any attention or dedicate time to me….i was so angry and sad that i needed someones hearing, or advice, but well of course all my guy friend did was put me down, saying how stupid i was for being in live with this guy who wasent worth, but he was worth it to me, time passed by and i had a car accident, and at the time aiden visited me, and seen my web pages on the net, it wasent nothing bad, just pictures of me, but he got very angry and said i was cheating on him, and that he would do the same. i kept telling him, the whole thing was a misunderstanding, i still say this, it really was, i have morals and i knew better than to cheat on him with guys from the net…so he did the same got a profile of himself, and started hooking up with tons of girls, they were very pretty, slim and younger than me, i started feeling ugly, fat, and just unworthy, never told him that, just kept it inside, since i had always felt secure and had high selfsteem. i had all these girls telling me how he would hook up with him in the garage of his house, that broke my heart, because i didnt expect that from him…so we ovecame that, then my guy friend, did the worst thing you can do to any girl, he made false statements of me, very dark black wicked and mean lies…he said me and him had a thing going on, that i even ended up pregnant by him but that lost the baby, GOD knows thats not true! i would have never done that to myself or to aiden, aiden was my love eventhough he had broke my heart, well i ended up hurting myself, telling aiden to believe in me, and to trust my word over my guys friend, but of course things were to of a coinsidence, he knew so much of aiden since i would always mention him, and he thought that was something to prove to aiden that i really was cheatting on him..so aiden hated me so much, that he chaged, i ended up cutting my wrist several times in front of him to prove to him they were all lies but he still wouldent understand me or believe a word i was saying…i went home the next day, my mother asked what was going on, and i started busting in tears, telling her how i didnt want to live anymore, of all the black lies my guy friend had made up of me…my mom was afraid to loose me, so she felt she had to call the cops…to get help for me,,well yes they got there, but they were no help..i ended up in a mental hospital…i was there for about 2 weeks or 3…aiden was out going out to the movies at the time, maybe with other girls to get me off his mind, but to my surprise he showed up to the hospital, i thought he loved me and that he had believed in me..so i got out a couple of days after…i got out thinking he would still love me, and we would be happy…but of course he was never the same after that, he started mistreating me, still not dedicating time to me, me complaining fighting him, not only verbally but physically, i had no trust in him, since he had cheated on me with som many different pretty young girls, and of course he never believed in me , and kept bringing up my guy friend, trying to blame me for how unhappy we were,,but he was stubborn, he didnt want to accept that he cheated on me. or trying to flip things on me so at the end i can be blame for our issues….well i was still in love with him, still having issues but being still so strong, having faith in someday having and making a family with him, the one i never had, since im an only child and my mother is a single parent…i was making a huge mistake by involving his mother in our issues, i felt comfort with her , since she would tell me her personal problems as well..little did i know she dislike me and would go behind my back to talk about me with one of her family memebers…always making comments that were uncall for , making me feel unworthy of being with her son, she would act as if she didnt know she would hurt me with hr comments, but i know she knew what she was up to..her daughter which is aidens sister wwas mean and rude to me, but since im the type of person who is very honest and strsight foward, i wouldent hide when i was angry at them. i would go over and wouldent talk to her just say hi to the mother…so anyhow, there happened a situation in his family , which they had invloved me in too…the mother said i was the one of every one in her family to know the truth of her sin, but God knows i wasent the cause of it, she knows deep in her heart that her sister knew way before, and her family too, but she wanted to put her son against me, well it did work. also the sister was trying to hook up aiden with her coworkers, she yelled at me, and humiliated me so bad, that said i had no right to invade aidens privacy, but she was the one who was making things worse for us. his brother also, humiliated me, put his hand son me, because he heard my mother saying things about his family, things that were the truth, so he didnt want to hear it.. all of those things were said from me and my mother, because of all the stuff his family has done to me, now im the bad person, and they brainwash aiden to leave me, that im nog good, and that one day i will hurt him, but God knows i wouldent , he is the love of my life, and i would die if something were to happen to him…he never realize how his family would humilliate me so much, he and his family would say i was always acting a victim and how complicated i was, aiden was always on their side denying that his family wouldent mean to be meen to me, but i think anybody would understand were i was coming from….now we are going on 4 years, i look after him, worry about his health , since he is always eating unhealthy…i wished he would realize how much i love him and im concern about him, that he would make me his wife one day, but he lacks everything that has to do with our future together, he puts many excuses, but i dont blame him, its my fault because i know he will leave me soon for someone prettier, slimer, and of course younger…he can say some very hurtful things to me, that make me angry and turn me into somebody very violent, and i say hurtful things as well so he can feel how i do..i know thats a mistake that shouldent be done, bcause its only goin gto worsen our issues,, they say 2 wrongs dont make a right, and yes thats very true, but so hard to do the opposite…i cry at times, and ask for his help, but instead i annoy him and he hangs up the phone, and doesnt hear me…i feel im making him stay with me, like if im so unworthy that he feels sorry for me..i know in my heart he has fallin in love with someone else, he is cold, doesnt notice a thing of me…im going through a tuff situation, and im in need of help, and i only have to important persons in my life, my mother and him, but my mother is sick and cant tell her what im going through, so i go to aiden, and instead i hear him humilliating me, making me feel like im a bad person who is just complicated to understand, but all i ask for is dedication and love in return…i tell him that maybe if i were to just dissapear, he would have a relief in not having to have me stress him out, but at the same time i ask myself , what if he were to regret it and realize how i felt and how much i loved him, but i also ask myself, why wait, to tell someone how much you love them, how much you appreciate them, not only with words but with actions..he says to understand him, that he has never been in a relatinship this long, and he isnt experience with these kind of situations,, but i havent either, eventhough im a lil older, im new to all of this, but im forsure about how i feel , im in love, and my love for him makes me learn and makes me do the things i do for him, so it doesnt take experience it takes being in love and showing your parter how you feel, by making them feel comfort…maybe he wount understand me how i feel, but i can leave this world knowing that this was real love, if he isnt for me, then i put it in Gods hands..to help me out and just make me stronger…i will always love aiden, but its too bad he doesnt notice it, or notice how big of a heart and love i have for him to offer, just if he were to help me out and give me a hand , by loving me back……