Mama Love
Mama, I’ll never let go (A must-read story based on real-life)
The Inevitable-God Does Every Thing with Purpose
Palawan, Philippines (July 1999) ♣
It was a cold evening so we decided to sleep right after taking our supper. I was in my room, listening to my nanny reading a bedtime story when I heard my mother singing. I looked at my nanny and we both laughed so I rolled my eyes saying, “Here we are again.” Mama is a good speaker but not a good singer. Yet, she loves to sing old songs and I wonder why. But that night, the song she was singing was kind of familiar to me. It was about the blind man, sitting at the pavement and begging compassion from the passers-by but nobody paid heed. And when God suddenly arrived, the blind man was spared.
I suddenly had a heavy feeling that night after listening to the song . . . . . and it was unexpected.
I am blessed to have a mother whose profession is teaching. Because the moment after I was born, I was already facing a great teacher and one of the finest in her generation. And the first teacher who taught me how to talk is indeed a teacher. Isn’t it that nice? Well, this simply means I am proud of her.
My father is the best of fathers. He loves us in the worst way. I could say that I am fortunate to have a courageous one. A man who stays with a bunch of fish in the ocean for a very long time in order to provide a good life for his family. Such a good man and it’s really something to be proud of.
Mama and my four siblings were living somewhere in CuyoIsland (I wasn’t born yet) when she was designated at Dumaran Poblacion Palawan to teach. She was bearing her fifth child then, *chuckles* that was me! And my advent was imminent.
Seafaring is a tough profession, isn’t it? And it really takes time before papa goes home. But I was lucky because he was there when mama gave birth to me. And just when I started showing milestones, he left again. Well, that didn’t mean we had to part ways forever. He just needed to go back to work.
Days, months and years have passed. I was growing up, of course! And when I turned three, that was the time when papa had to leave us. . . . again. But this time, not for his work, but for the most beautiful place on earth called; “Heaven” I didn’t know when and how he bid goodbye. I thought he was just sleeping, so I stared at him, I just stared at him. . . . . Can you guess the aftermath? Mama had a hard time in rearing us. Though she wouldn’t let us see it, I knew it was hard. . .
We all have our own weaknesses. But mama never let us see hers. She thought she had to be brave enough for us. However, a widow still needs a companion, so that it would be easy to bear life’s imperfections.
As we’ve expected, a year after my father’s death, mama got married anew. I didn’t get surprised and it was ok with me. Because I knew, she needed a man whom she could call her partner. Someone who deserves her trust and love. For mama has been lonesome when father died, so whenJesus added three little angels on our family, life for her began again. I am indeed happy for having younger siblings. And it wasn’t a mistake for mother to accept a new commitment because my step father is such a good man. He loves my mother very much so I had no problem in dealing with him. And together, we took the chance to live life to the fullest.
Despite of mother’s hectic schedule, she would find ways to cook something for us. She prepares our school stuffs, cleanses our rooms, mends our clothes and assumes the household chores. To me, she is the most wonderful mother that every child could wish for.
I am grateful to God for sending a stepfather who is devoted to HIM. And because of that devotion, we became closer to God.
We went to church every Saturday and we also had worships every Friday night. It was quite a simple life yet, full of joy. And I was really contented for what we had then. I thought we were inseparable.
I was yawning when nanny was done reading and before I shut my ayes, I smiled knowing that we were a happy family. The best family I could ever pray for. And being a child. . . . . I thought it would never end.
I was sleeping peacefully when I heard someone scream. And if I’m not mistaken, it was my mother’s voice. She kept screaming so it woke me up. “Just a dream” was all I managed to say. It was two A.M. I felt thirsty so I drank a glass of water. I wasn’t yet finished drinking when I heard my step father scream. I was alarmed! Rose to my feet and ran towards their bedroom only to find out that mama passed away.
It was unbelievable. I wanted to make myself believe that it was just a dream. But I saw her lying, out of breath, with my very eyes.
What if the greatest love of your life suddenly leaves? Certainly, it would be painful. Just like what happened to me. The nurse who rushed into our house told us that mama had a massive heart attack, and nightmare. We were heartbroken because we’d never seen signs. It happened so fast. Last night she was lifting spirits and as strong as a horse. But there she was all of a sudden, lying, but breathing no more. We tried to revive her, but maybe she really had to go. And the moment after I realised that she was gone, I rushed outside. There I sat in the middle of the road. Still hoping that someone would wake me up by tapping my shoulder and say, “It’s all just a dream.” But nobody came, nobody woke me up and no one ever tapped my shoulder. Right there and there I began to cry.
It’s really true that death is inevitable. And later that morning, I realised the reason why I had an onus feeling last night. It was like mama was trying to send a message to me – she was trying to say goodbye. I should have known! It was where I started to assume that life is either marvelous or not-worth living.
All of them have started to move on while I was left behind. It was just quite difficult to accept such loss. And since life goes on, we began to take the initiative of getting over it by parting ways. Painful, yes. But it was the best thing to do so we all went our way.
My granny from father’s side brought us back to CuyoIsland while my three younger siblings were left to the custody of their father. Before we left, I was wrapped by mixed emotions. But sadness prevailed. I didn’t want to go but I had to. Yet, I was kind of excited though because we were coming back to CuyoIsland to start a new life. And the least emotion I felt was relief because we were, at last, leaving the house filled with sorrow. Yet, I knew it would be so hard because memories live forever.
Our home which had once been joyful was now a torment. And the entirety of it reminded me of her. So I assumed it would be better to move on and leave things behind. But I promised her one thing: I’ll never let go. . . .
As we were leaving, I started to feel the difficulty of being away from my younger siblings. I missed them so much especially mother. I was longing to hear her words of wisdom, her questions such as; “What if you see your father in heaven, what will you do?” I can’t remember I answered her even once. I would just smile at her and say nothing at all. How I wish I could have told her that I would embrace father and thank him so that mama would be proud, which I never did when she was still alive. And it’s too late.
On our way to CuyoIsland, I was like dragging a barge across a desert. And that voyage seemed endless. I had so much questions and fears. I didn’t know where to address and cast them. That day, I felt that my life had no direction anymore. . .
On that journey, I was with granny and some relatives who personally came into our house to convey their condolences. They tried to comfort me, hoping it would lessen my pain. But bereavement was undefeated. And from the day she left, it would always be a winner.
Everything came back to life. I was so furious as I noticed that Maricel, (the third child) was looking at me. I was only ten then but one is never innocent to feel. I knew something was quite wrong.
She wasn’t home when our mother died. And though mama wouldn’t tell us, I knew that my sister was the reason why she always cried at night that led to a sudden death.
I hated her. I hated them for betraying mother. She kept on waiting that Maricel would come home from a vacation planned by granny. And though classes already started, mama still kept on waiting, and hoping. . . But my sister didn’t show up, never came back until mother died. Maricel would be sent to school then as a junior. But granny had her own plan. Since then, Maricel’s leaving really broke my mother’s heart.
Maricel was adorable when she was a child and she was very precious to granny. That’s why the latter wanted to take care of her. Nothing was wrong only if they asked mother’s permission. But none of them ever thought of doing that. It’s evident to me that they had no respect for mother.
I remember. I used to look at my mother’s eyes every time she was upset. And humility was all I would see. She cried but she said nothing. She was hurt but she scorned no one. That’s why when Maricel broke her heart; her only means to get something off her chest was to cry. I hated my sister so much because with mother’s outpouring of love for her, mama got nothing but pain in return.
We were once a happy family. And I was wrong for assuming it would be forever. Now, it’s really hard. It just felt sad that seven years after my father’s demise, it was now hers.
I became the saddest daughter in this world. Know the hardest part of being an orphan? It’s when you get sick, nobody attends your needs. And the hardest weather to deal with is rain. Because when a raindrop starts falling, it really feels like mourning. And it makes me want to shut the world out and be left alone. I thought I couldn’t work my life out on my own without her.
I was really hurt. I used to weep every night and blame people around me. I thought one must pay for her life to see, that a young living spirit was grieving, that was me! And that mama should have spent more time with me.
I was totally in despair. My dreams were shattered and I almost tore myself into pieces and it seemed it was the end of the world. Then I began to ask Him, “WHY?”
When I graduated from elementary and high school, I wept after the ceremony when I noticed that I was the only student who had no parents with me, and that really hurt. I thought I was living in a place where wandering souls are indeed lost.
When I lost my mother, I also lost my best friend. But now, I can no longer cry on her shoulder every time I am in pain.
I remember. Mama always paid attention to what I say. And in doing the household chores, every time I offered a hand, she’d accept it without hesitation. She never rejected me. That’s why I get devastated by small rejections.
I wonder if I really made her happy. Was it enough? I wish it was more than enough.
I am the youngest in our first family that’s why my siblings tried to replace her. Her responsibilities and role as a mother. But mama is irreplaceable. Her love is incomparable. She would have given her life to save mine.
As years went by, stubborn hardships kept on casting their weight on us. I was honestly defeated. I had no choice but to endure the pain. I knew I wasn’t brave enough to fight with life’s flaws. But maybe I was quite destined to go through a lot of difficulties. I’m not mad. I just wish I could have had a shield.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to understand and accept the things that just come out without evident reason. That’s why to live life without your lost loved ones becomes difficult.
That night, after listening to the song, I never thought that my fate would change the day after. Something that would cause bitterness and loneliness in each of us. I tried to move on and wanted to forget every thing but I couldn’t. I really wanted to be healed.
When I was a kid, I thought life would always go my way. But the truth is, it doesn’t always turn out the way you plan. Because if your greatest love leaves, it alters the entire destiny of yours.
We experienced the so – called “Absolute Poverty.” It was a matter of survival. Something that none of us ever thought it would be part of our sufferings.
I became nomadic. And it made me feel so lost.
I did know that the root cause of this was the demise of my parents. That’s why I kept finding the reason myself. I really wanted to know why all good things come to an end. Why did mother die? When in fact, she knew and God knows she was someone I can’t live without. Truly, I had many questions and they were all unanswered. So it made me assume that God doesn’t really listen to me.
I was fearful about the future and the real world was hostile so I tried to find a safe haven for myself but I found nothing.
If I could only talk to God face – to – face, I’d ask Him the questions that bother me since then. When we were so happy as a family, He was there to share our joy. But now, as I look back, I noticed that many times along the path of my life, I was walking alone. This happened at the saddest times of my life. Very sentient that God wasn’t with me to share my pain.
As the world becomes strange and threatening, I begin to discover this painful truth in me. I become someone else. I was a mouthy lil kid then, but when mother died, I stopped being mouthy. And now, I’m not just quiet. I am also distant from the people I love. Some try to make friends with me but I refuse them. I don’t know why. I’ve been fighting with this another Grace in me. I know I shouldn’t be like this. I want to be spared.
Ever since my mother left, I hated to be touched or praised by women. If someone patted me, I cringed. And instead of moving toward orphans for support, I tried to toughen myself so I wouldn’t need it. I didn’t like to be with girls at school because I got too jealous watching them with their mothers.
I’ve always wanted to be in solitude. And in my case, I thought friends were not needed at all. Because when I was alone at times, I found peace.
I must admit that I was craven to face my fears. And sadness, to me, became happiness. But I know deep down in my heart . . . I was wounded, that neither doctors nor any medicine can cure.
Life is truly unpredictable and that none of us know what lies ahead. Just like what happened to me. But it’s a good thing that BEACON shows up when someone starts living hopelessly.
Ten years ago and it really takes time for the wounds of the past to heal. I think I am now mature enough to understand the ways of the Lord. And truly, my past left a scar upon my heart but who knows? Maybe the future brings a heart filled with love and happiness.
As an old man put it, “The past could never be forgotten, it could only be accepted.”
I used to tell myself that, “If finding true happiness takes my whole life, I’ll take it with all my heart for I am sick and tired of being lonesome.” But I’m blessed to know that happiness can be found in just one glimpse of heaven.
I thank God for being always there for me. He never left us in times of hardships and I realized that God does every thing with purpose and that he knows our capability so he would never give us burdens we can’t bear.
God indeed loves and never leaves us. Because when I was about to enjoy the scent of darkness, still he picked me up and let me rest upon his loving arms.
I’ve forgiven my sister for whatever she has done in the past. Well, it ought not to be like this because our mother’s death wasn’t fault of anyone. It was God’s will for us to learn the value of life.
I find it magical because the moment after I realized that God has been with me all through out and He has never left me, in just a snap of finger, pain, hatred and bitterness suddenly faded. God enlightened me before I thoroughly fell.
Life is as full of uncertainty as voyage. And if something wrong happens along the way, we just have to entrust such to God for He would never fail us.
Every night before I go to bed, I will look at the stars and would try to count them even though I know I couldn’t. Well, that’s absurd! But I just feel that my mother belongs to those stars. Looking down at me either and wishing……that we were together.
Bereavement is still in my soul. But I still hope that one day, it will banish. And every time I remember the song about the blind man, it’s not pain that I would feel. It’s now….ACCEPTANCE.
Goodbye is the Saddest Word -Celine Dion
(Based on the real-life story) Written on March 13, 2008 @ 11pm (raining)
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2 Responses to “Mama Love”
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wow! this is a nice piece, i am a graduate of literature and to my honest opinion.. this is very well written.. i encourage you to write some more… you can be a writer!
im sorry for your lost though..im glad your strong enough!
good grace!
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cast_ur_fears_on_me Reply:
Thank you, chen.. this is a true-to-life based story.. I’ll try to write more
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