Oh you know, the usual love story
At seventeen years old, should someone feel so much heartache? Between family, friends, lovers, even strangers, some hurt is guarenteed. But, what if everything you feel you keep inside because the people that say they love you really dont? And when you come to them, the conversations jump over you and turn to how unfair their mom is, or how lame their algebra test was. But the complete feeling of hopelessness is overbearing. The hopeless feeling of knowing that everyone around you, even your closest friends, will never understand. I suppose its possible Ive subconsciously put myself into relationships that I know will hurt me in the end. But at the same time I look back, at the differences in faces, personalities and times, and see that the only thing in common is me. Through grade school, and even now through highschool, Ive been the tomboy of my grade; the sister to every guy. Freshman year in highschool came with many changes. Older guys began to see me as attractive and I suppose for curiousity driven reasons, I was very much okay with that. About halfway through my first year, I met somone, two years older than myself. Cory was cute, charming in a dorky sort of way, and he liked me. To be honest I was more experimenting than anything; fascinated by the fact that he was attracted to me. I fell in love with the feeling of being attractive before anything. He became my first kiss, makeout, high school relationship. As the days went on, my feelings for him grew from entertainment and experimenting to something deeper. The school year passed quickly, him and I still a little part of eachothers life. Towards the end of the summer, we hung out for the first time at one of our houses, just us. I knew hed be my first, and to be honest I was more eager for it than I probably shouldve been. It was like I hoped and imagined it. Though in my gut, I knew that it wouldnt bring me closer to him; I knew it wouldnt make him love me. He brought me home, dropped me off. I showered, and changed my clothes. I sat at the computer and open my AIM, to find a message from himToday shouldnt have happened, it was a mistake, I dont want a relationship… I accepted it, trying to show him I could be cool with us just being friends, though inside I was screaming and thinking, Why did I expect it to change anything? But I didnt and dont regret it; I dont believe in regrets, everythings meant to happen the way it does, and makes who we will be. In the fall, we both returned to school, him a graduating senior. I became part of the lockers to him, part of the crowd. The hurt he left me with stayed in my gut, and its still there, though more in the back of my mind. Halfway through my sophomore year, another guy came into my life, Justin. A year older than me, goodlooking and funny, I got swept up in the feelings he gave me. We began really dating, my first designated boyfriend, and the first guy to tell me he loved me. Though we only lasted as a couple for a few months, we remained close, to be honest, friends with benefits kind of close. Even after he dropped out of school, I still had such strong feelings for him, feelings that scared me for they overrode the previous feelings. They were strong and I felt weak to them for letting myself be what he wanted, whenever he wanted. But not too long after, a misunderstanding brought the friendship to a halt. But soon, graduation came, and it occupied my mind with other things. I hadnt talked to Cory since the previous summer, but he still made my stomach turn into knots. After the ceremony, the graduated class could be seen taking off in different directions, giving hugs, taking pictures, saying goodbye. I began walking away with a friend. She knew something was up, but all I said was, I want to at least say goodbye. She told me shed wait, so I ran back through the crowd and found him. I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned and looked at me, probably the first time in a long time. I simply said, Congratulations, Cory. And good luck. He smiled, and pulled me to his side, asking his cousin to take a picture of us. It still kind of bothers me to know he has a photo of us, when I have nothing material to remember him by. I said goodbye, and walked away with my friend. I cried as we walked home. Though it was a good cry, because it felt like I shouldve cried that way a long time ago. Cory fell out of my head, finally, and another new boyfriend entered my life. My relationship with Dan lasted until about 6 months, the first sturdy relationship Id had. Though, as time went on, I began to feel less and less for him. About 5 months into the relationship, I discovered I was pregnant. I didnt know what to do, how to handle it. Dan stood by me, and even saw it to be something that would make us stronger, an absurd idea that frankly disgusted me. Through a lot of tears and hard moments, my mother helped me through an abortion. I felt like Id lost myself completely, this wasnt who I wanted to be. I broke up with Dan a week later. It was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do, because for some reason, its easier for me to hurt for someone else, than it is to hurt for myself. I started to realize how much Id missed being single, and how much hed taken up in my life. Id sacrificed not only my friends but myself by being with Dan. As the holidays passed and New Years came, Justin came back into my life. Since hed returned to the school for his senior year, he started calling me again, iming me occasionally. The butterflies and feelings Id still felt for him heated up again and two nights ago we talked till about three in the morning. He told me, Come over, come over, please? Id hoped hed say that, Id missed hanging out with him and he still looked really good, making me want him a little more than I should. Both amused by the idea of us having his house to ourselves like the old days, he told me where the spare key was, so I could let myself in. I went over about 8 in the morning, and I went up to his room. I couldnt help but smile at the same kid Id fallen for almost exactly a year before. He still slept the same all his pillows and blankets piled over his head, his arm flung over the side of the bed. All morning, and into the afternoon we just had fun, like the old days. I knew I still had strong feelings for him, and letting me convince myself that the subtle pecks on my cheek and him holding my hand or wrapping his arms around me meant something more was not the best way to go. Today Im looking back at it, and hoping that tomorrow wont be like today was. Im hoping that maybe, just maybe, he wont look past me again. But you see, when you want comfort, or a confident, its too hard to explain all this to them everytime. They cant know what youre feeling, they cant know how used, or nonimportant you feel. Its more sad to be so hopeless then to look back and feel everything again. Its sad to know you cant find understanding. It hurts to feel so alone, when not even 24 hours earlier, youd been happier than you had in months. Lifes little roller coasters. But my question is, what are we to expect for the rest of our lives? Heartache, sadness, loneliness? Maybe I have brought some things on myself, Ive heard it before. But in the end, my heart of hearts knows its them against me. I dont what else to do, but keep my head up and strong.
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