I Still Love Him
Standing in the line waiting to be served at a busy restaurant. Saw this person smiling at me. I smiled back and forgetting about it in the next second as usual. Had been working for a financial services for over 5 years and had to meet all sorts of people. Smiling and talking to people was all part of providing service to clients as advised by our management, service with a smile? Received a call as soon as I had entered the office. Who is it I asked the receptionist, somebody you had just smiled at, as was her reply. When I went to answer the phone the guy on the other side was so happy that I finally smiled at him. He had been sending messages and calling me ever since he first saw me and I dont even remember seeing him once. His cousin used to work with me and she used to tell me about him but she said for me to keep away from him, as his wife is a pain in the arse. I have been married, cant say happily married as I was having heaps of problems in my married life. My husband and his family basically ruled my life. After marriage my independence, freedom, laughter had all disappeared. It was just getting impossible for me to continue with my married life. The only thing good about my marriage was that I didnt have any kids who would have suffered if I had ever decided to separate from my husband. Our marriage was so bad that my husband even tried to burn me down but my brother came in time and took me away dripping in kerosene. I had been locked out of the house on numerous occasions on small things such as breaking a glass accidentally. My married life was just full of shit. I suppose this is the main reason as wHy I even became friends with this guy. He had been regularly coming to the office for a particular cover after I had smiled at him at the restaurant, which he wanted but kept delaying. He had come to our office so many times before but I never remember seeing him once. While he was in the office he would make everyone laugh with his silly jokes. Everyone except me, as I was very stubborn and I just hated the way he spoke. Whenever he entered he used to make our office his home. He kept coming to take cover as he had to go overseas and wanted some financial services but he went without any cover. One day he got his daughter with him and I just couldnt ignore her thus I walked to her and spoke to her. She was very charming and lovely. The only reason for him to come the office was to see me, as he would not be able to see me for a month or so he later told me. Well he went away without leaving any impression on me. I thought he was a jerk like any other men and since I was married to one I knew what men were like. He had to cut his holiday short when his step-mom passed away. He came specifically to the office to show me how disturbed he was after what had happened. He had lost his own mom in a car accident 23 years ago when he was only 3. I never said a word. I didnt even sympathise with his loss whereas the rest of the colleagues all stood around him trying to share his loss. After he had left the office I felt so stupid. Never in my life I felt so disgusted with myself. There he was standing waiting for me to say a word on his loss and there I was in my own miserable world thinking I would ruin my reputation by talking to him. He was there in pain and I was causing him more pain by ignoring him. I opened my draw and saw his business card, which he gave me before going overseas; actually he gave everyone in my office one. With tumbling hands managed to say sorry for my behaviour and passed my condolences via sms. It was like as if I had given him the green light to myself. He called and messaged every second, which was getting very irritating. He left the funeral place and went to his home from where he called me and thanked me. He asked if I wanted to see him again in my office the next day and I said no. I was shocked that he even asked me that as when I sent the message it was on good terms only. It was funny though as how he took things. His messages were full of fun and laughter, which I badly lacked in my life. By end of week I began to smile and reply to his stupid jokes. And as days went by I actually started to wait for his messages and calls. After much thought as what can happen if anyone found out that we were sending each other messages one day out of nowhere in Septemeber, I called and told him that I would be coming down to his office to see him. I asked him for his address and he got angry saying I had been in that area for so long and I didnt know where his office was located. I was new in his town and since I hardly went anywhere I knew nothing about his town. After lots of fuss he told me how to get to his world. When I entered his world, he called his office his home and that was his life, for the first time actually saw what he looked liked. He was dark, short hair and had dark circles around his eyes. He was tall and very well dressed and had an unremarkable perfume on. He had very good taste of clothes and perfumes and he was a œbrand guy. This is the first time I am actually seeing you I told him and he laughed and said I am not fair like you or your husband he said. And I know your car number too he added. I was shocked but went straight to the point and told him that he had to stop sending me messages as I was œhappily married and so was he and above all he had a daughter œhouse of madness he used to call her and that the flittering going on had to be stopped at once. And sending messages and calling each other would only bring sadness and misery to both our lives. He told me that I had no right to tell him what he is supposed to do. After a lot of arguments I went away. I flew out of the country the very next day and didnt call or sms him neither did I tell him that I was going away. While on my holidays I was missing him and his stupid messages. I took my friends phone and sent him a message and he called me same time. When my friend answered he hanged up and that was it. When I returned he called while I was driving home from the airport and told me off. He said he was coming down to see me there and then and he will see as who had the guts to stop him. I was shocked with his behaviour and I couldnt sleep whole night. Next day when I went to work he nearly killed me with his vehicle. When later I asked him why he did that he said he was very angry with me for not telling him that I will be away for two weeks. That was mid September. Once back in the office after my holidays he started all over again with the messages and the phone calls. I again went to his office and blew him in a much serious way and pointed out that this had to stop or I would give my phone away to my brother, who was a police officer to sort things with him. He got bit scared and finally his messages and calls stopped. After a week or so I felt so lonely. I was missing his stupid calls and messages. When I walked I felt that everyone was looking at laughing at me. When I went home I became more frustrated and upset. Though he stopped talking to me he followed me everywhere. He used to appear everywhere I went. I think he was doing that on purpose and make me look foolish. Once I went to pay my electricity bill and there was a taxi driver staring at me and I jumped when I heard his voice. He was actually swearing at the taxi driver saying to him didnt he have a wife, sister or daughter to stare at. The taxi driver was rude and replied to him and asked what his problem was and if I was his wife. His reply was yes you son of a bitch she is my wife and if you dont stop looking at her you will loose your eyes today. I just quietened him down as people started to gather and I went away. After that incident I kept away from him but I was so lonely without his calls and messages thus I turned to my husband for support but he hardly spoke to me and he would not talk unless I said something. I would discuss with him how my day went but he would never tell me how he spent his day. I used to have so much fun in the office that would make anyone laugh but when I told my husband about it he would not even smile. These made me hate my husband even more and I started missing this guy even more. I thought about him day and night and I hardly slept at night. I had my exams just around the corner but I was too immersed into him than to think about anything else. What was happening to me? Was I falling for this guy? Was I in love? Was I fooling my husband? I had lost my sleep and appetite. I was too engrossed sorting my life. I later accepted that he had become part of my life. Just not talking to him was making me go crazy. I was totally in love with this guy and I dont know why face=Times New Roman. I paid another visit to him and explained myself and asked if he wanted to be my friend. He was sad and angry on me for telling him off when I visited him last time but he was so happy that I approached him. I didnt tell him anything about my married life and asked for his friendship only. We agreed on few things such as to continue with the messages and phone calls but not to be seen together. One thing I didnt tell him was that I loved him. I loved him for who he was and not what he was. He was well known and was full of life, love, fun and foolishness. Soon we started to go out for lunch and long drive during our lunch hour. We ignored the deal we had made of not being seen together. Our lunch was mostly whatever I had cooked in the morning or his wife had prepared a nite before. I used to feed him while he drove. He was a busy person, actually a sales person is always busy and I kept telling him that he was busy because he never got tired of selling himself. He was a fun person to spend time with but sometimes I would just listen to him and say to him that he was such a dishonest person. Those made him laugh but also made him angry. He was just so unpredictable, one moment he would be fine the other he would be swearing at me and the next moment will told me that he loved me. He told me fine if you thought he was such a person than why was I even with him and wasting my time and energy with him. I used to shut him by saying I got free entertainment when being with him meant not listening to the radio for latest information as he told me everything free of charge. There was something in that drive where we laughed talked and ate together which drove us even closer. I seldom fooled him with the food. I used to feed him the parcel he got from his home and I used to eat mine and he somehow seemed to know that I didnt feed him my parcel and he would swear at me. I found that so funny and annoying him was fun. A month had passed and he had not even touched me once. I was very surprised and started to like him even more because he showed a lot of respect to me. Well before I continue let me tell you something about his wife as he described her. She was a stubborn person and had no respect for her husband. She had evidence that he was illegitimate child thus she kept boring him with it. She had eloped with him few years earlier and they marriage like mine was falling apart. I cant blame him for their failing marriage as he never had a mum or proper love or guidance from his dad as how to work out a marriage. He always said that how well I understood him and he liked the way I used to handle situations. I often saw her around in the city but she never spoke to me and neither did I and his cousin that worked with me kept reminding me to keep away from her cousin otherwise his wife would make my life hell but I was so much in love that I ignored her. This made everyone really upset in the office and I was left alone. Everyone stopped talking to me and they hardly spent time with me thus I got more time to spend with him and we ended up together every morning tea break, lunch hour, afternoon tea breaks and most of the time he drove me back home after work. October was a good month for us. We spent heaps of time getting to know each other. He told me so many things and some times I found that he was so wrong and when I approached him he would start to fight. Sometimes I felt like trusting him and other times I just felt like running away as he was not building our relationship on the truth. We had our ups and down on very small issues. Once I asked his age and he lied and when I asked for his driving licence he accidentally gave them to me and I realised I was much older than him and I was shattered. I walked out of the car crying and told him that I never wanted to see him again. But the next day we were talking again. It is not that we getting married, I laughed and told him that the age factor should not matter. One day in early November as usual I went to his office. As I was leaving his office, that particular day in November he left me stunned me with a question. Can I kiss you? I was shocked and I froze and I looked at him and before I could answer he walked towards me. I moved backwards and was stopped by wall just behind the main door in his office and kissed on my lips. I pushed him away and started crying. I told him I hated him and he only loved me because he wanted to sleep with me. I trusted him so much and had so much faith in him and he ruined that all in a second. Though we loved each other we were not admitting to each other and gave our relationship a name that was friendship. I wanted our relationship to based on love and trust but no sex but he had other plans. I walked to my taxi crying. He was shocked to see me in that state. He didnt expect that I would react in such a way. I was laughing and talking to him but that didnt mean I would end up kissing him or even sleeping with him. I switched off my mobile and took no calls that afternoon. He was very upset with my absurd behaviour. He didnt stay in the office after I left. He went straight to a bar and drank whole night. Later I was advised that his wife tired calling him as he was supposed to pick her from work but since he didnt respond she had to go home in a cab and he was locked out from his own house that night. He spent the night in his car. Few days later I walked up in his office and apologised for my childish behaviour and foolishness. He agreed quickly and he also apologised for his behaviour. We once again reminded ourselves what our relationship was based on. As usual we ate together and carried on with our normal business, which was just bullying each other followed by heaps of laughs. He drove me to places I didnt ever hear about which frightened me a bit especially if his vehicle gave up how would we even go back to work. One afternoon say mid of November he was driving me back home. I took his hands in my hands and he pulled his car over. We looked into each other for sometime and he started crying. He said that he loved me too much and he hated dropping me off to my place. I cant see you with your husband any more, he continued. I tried to cool him down and I told him that I had moved out from his room and I was sleeping in the prayer room. He was bit satisfied but he hated me leaving him every afternoon. Were we cheating in our marriages? Were we in so much love that we were only thinking about ourselves? Have we forgotten that his œ house of madness needed him? We forgot that no one would support us and all friends and families will disown us. But we still carried on and we didnt think about what the future was holding for us. I had to attend a wedding out of town and we were to stay in a hotel. He got really upset, as he didnt like the idea of me being with my husband in a hotel room. He was quite happy when I told him that my brother and his family were joining in and we all would share room. He also asked me to let him know as when I would pass his town so that he could see me. So when I was about to reach his town I advised him and he came to the same service station we were at. My husband went inside to get some snack as it was a long drive and I stepped out of the car. He said dont go please I beg you dont go and he left me in tears. When I saw my husband returning I quickly put on my sunglasses and returned to the car and the funny thing was it was raining heavily. While I was away he called me every minute. Since my husband and my brother were out at the wedding helping I managed to talk to him and told him that I loved him and wished he could come and take a room in the same hotel so that I can be with him. I told him I wanted to make love to him and he was shocked. He laughed and laughed and asked what I ate in the hotel. I felt embarrassed after that and didnt talk about making love to him after that. When I returned the next day we met again on the road. I saw his car in front and his daughter jumping in the back seat I was so happy. It seemed I was home with my loved ones. We ended up in a cheap motel room sometimes in November. We didnt plan for this it just happened. We were on the bed not even touching each other just talking. We knew we would be making such a huge mistake if anything did happen so we talked about stupid things. He kept saying that he was spending quality time with me, and he was not there to kiss me or to annoy me again. I just had enough of his talks so turned and creped on his side and I kissed him. he was shocked but smiled at me and kissed me for a long time. That kiss still tinkles my heart and the soft touch that I still feel on my lips and his perfume smell, which is still inside me. And thats all we did. We just held each other tightly and kissed. He stopped when I started to feel uncomfortable as he got on top of me. We decided to get out of the place and he drove me back home without saying a word, which was very wrong for us not to talk. When we were together we were like chatter boxes. Next day he kept boasting about himself that his love for me was genuine and it was not lust. That was early November and somehow we managed into December without anyone noticing us together. We ended up again in a hotel room much better one compared to the dirty and stinky one we ended up last time. In no time we were in bed and kissing. I took his shirt off and we ended up having sex together without any protection. I felt him inside me. That day I realised what sex was and what lovemaking really meant, which I never felt when I was with my husband. We were just lost in each other. We didnt even think what we were doing or wHy we were doing that. Mean while things at our homes were getting worse day by day. His wife was constantly calling up my husband telling him that I was having affair with her husband and when I was confronted I kept lying about it. I suppose deep down I knew that things might not work out for us and we would not end up together. So wHy ruin the current relationship though there wasnt much to be ruined. I was being selfish but god knows I never meant to ride in two boats at once and neither did he. His wife ended up at my office swearing and cursing me. It was a terrible sight but since I was at wrong I deserved it and kept quite. That night my husband asked me to call him on speakerphone and talk to him without letting him know that he was listening. I was terrified but he sensed it and he spoke very formally and he even apologised for his wifes behaviour and got his wife on the phone too. Later my husband spoke to his wife but I was so glad that he knew something was wrong and didnt say anything stupid. Next day when we met we laughed and laughed about it. He said he knew something was wrong, as I knew he had ID called at home and I never call him on his home line. We fooled our partners and laughed about it not realising that they would be the last ones laughing and the ones who laugh last laugh the best. In December I once again lied and ended up spending 2 nights and three days with him far from home. We had such a good time. He had his Christmas party so he left me alone in the hotel room on Friday night. I was tired so I feel asleep and was woken by bangs on the door. You are so dead, he said walking in the room when I finally opened the door. I have been calling and knocking on the door for ages he continued walking in the room. When he saw me in my small pyjamas and a strap top he said, wow and kissed me on my lips. His œwow still rings in my ear and whenever I think of it my heart starts to skip a beat. When he was good he was good and very romantic but when he was bad he was really bad and he scared me. He forced me to go out and get dinner. I kept telling him I was not hungry but he insisted that I must eat, as it would be a long night. We talked whole Friday night and made love to each other like crazy. He gave me a card and scented candles as I had passed my exam and he told me he was proud of me. We were awake till 5 in the morning rolling and tossing in the bed kicking, fighting and loving each moment of it. As soon as he heard some prayer songs at 5 am he dressed up and told me to dress up and go off to sleep. He said you bitch, I am a son of a priest and whatever was happening didnt suit him and I was an eclipse on his status and a very bad one. We both laughed he held onto me tightly and in no time we fell asleep. Since he was on a business trip he went to work early Saturday morning while I stayed back and slept in. As he was going out he kissed me and I woke up. He told me that he would be back to have breakfast with me. When he returned to have breakfast with me he surprised me with a nice dress he bought me. It looked expensive but he promised it was not over $100 and I trusted him. I hated him spending money over unnecessary stuff and I kept telling him to save money for future. He forced me to wear it which I did but after much hassle and fuss. I hated dressing up and he was so opposite to me. He told me his hands were sore as I slept on them and he said it would be better if I reduced some weight and he later said he only joked about it but still got me to massage them. When I dressed up in the clothes he got, he said I looked liked œPAPPUS BRIDE and I was shocked as I didnt know any PAPPU and he said that he knew a farmer whose name was pappu and I would make a great bride for him. I was about to take the clothes off and throw it on his face when he cooled me down and asked me to close my eyes. I did close my eyes after hitting him hard and I felt his hands on my forehead and I opened my eyes and I saw that he had put some red powder sindoor on my forehead. He said I am married to you now and no one can separate us. I pushed him away and slapped him as he was just completely out of his mind. We were both married and regrating that marriage why would we be doing that again. I walked away from him knowing it was all very wrong and he went into the bathroom slamming the door behind him. We were both crying and I was shocked and upset as I knew he had just gone very far in this relationship and there was no looking back for him, not even for his daughter. I loved him very much and wanted to be his wife but if I had married him I would have been blamed for so many things. His daughter, wife and his family would have cursed me forever. I was getting tired of my two lives and I didnt want to loose him but accepting his proposal would be just as bad. Whatever he did was very auspicious and I respected it with all my heart but I didnt tell him. We knew we could not marry or move in together and if we did it would be disastrous. So whatever happened that day in that hotel room was left in the room? We both loved each other but getting together would mean the whole world against us. So why did he even have to come out with such a ridiculous idea. Heard something break and asked him to open the door. He finally did and all I could see was blood. His hands were cut and bleeding and when I tried to talk him out of it he was not prepared to listen. He started accusing me for having another relationship. Just to cool things between us I popped out of the room for a while. It was pouring cats and dogs and I called him to pick me from the city, as I was all wet and cold. He felt sorry for me and when we went back to the hotel there was no hot water, which made him, go nuts. He was getting frustrated over small things and it was just getting to my nerves. I was there to spend time with him and he was causing unnecessary problems on small issues. He laid out the food while I showered and since we both were tired we feel asleep. When he woke up he was in a much better state. I made him coffee and I sat on the bed resting my head on his chest. He said he was sorry and I told him not to worry and I asked him to spend quality time together and not quantity. Late in the afternoon we went to his work and we drove to countryside. We had early dinner and had few drinks together and went to bed. He cried whole Saturday night and kept asking if I had found someone else. He kept telling me never to leave him or else he will die. I didnt say much as I was very tired and Sunday I had to return home and I wanted to look better. We hardly spoke that night and we both slept well and above all I didnt know what to do or say. Why did he love me so much? I think I was regrating as why I had even gone back to his office and said that we could be friends. I thought he wanted to use me and was fooling around but never knew that a womaniser like him could fall in love with me and he was so serious about the relationship. I was enjoying him in bed so much. He used to surprise me and bring all these scented candles that he would light and he would tell me that I glowed more than the candles and stars. He said that I was like a moon “ bright sexy and relaxing to watch at. Whenever he said that I would think why moon as I didnt like moon because the moon kept going behind the black clouds. I used to interrupt him and would change the topic completely. Sunday morning he asked if I wanted to see my mum and he sent me over. We met again at the airport and I flew back home. He was working on Sunday and he was to drive back home. I didnt want to face my husband, as I was feeling lost and disgusted. He ended up in the shower drunk; while I was there and when I asked him to leave he bashed me up. I couldnt and didnt do anything, as I knew I was wrong. Monday I didnt go to work and he ended up at my house. When he saw me he knew something was wrong and he asked me to leave my house and walk away with him. He was standing outside the fenced area and when I refused and he ended up throwing his mobile, which hit me on my face and landed up on the cement breaking into pieces. He drove off without a word and left his mobile behind. He gave me an ultimatum today or never and when I didnt go he shouted back to me saying its all over you hear it bitch its all over. Christmas was near so was my holiday and I went off to visit my in-laws and my parents. I spent two weeks away from him without a single message or a phone call. I called him once during my holiday but he didnt want to talk. After my break I realised that I was two weeks overdue. I was pregnant! I called him and he bluntly said to get rid of the baby and he would organise that for me, which he did. I was so upset and under pressure that I took some tablets, which he sent, and in a day it was all over. Into January we were back together and more serious. We spent heaps of time together and he blamed me less for having affair elsewhere. We talked very little of what we did and regrated that we even thought of terminating my pregnancy. We both wanted the baby but we didnt say anything. We missed each other so much and we started to spend more and more time together. I was hardly at work and so was he. We went for long drives and said very little to each other. Mostly we were holding hands and listening to stupid songs. He kept a music cd, which he adored and made me listen to a song over and over again. I sent him a ring with his food one day and he called me. I asked if he found something with the food and he said no. He said he had eaten and had thrown the wrapping ages ago somewhere in the city. I started crying and he laughed and laughed and he finally said, thank you and I am a married man now so it was not appropriate for me to call him and he said he loved me heaps ¦¦ his words. Wife I love you can you come home and cook for me. I cried and cried that night. There I loved a person with whom I wanted to be but couldnt and there I was living with a person whom I hated and I was cooking and cleaning for him. We spent so much time together. We were just crazy about each other and were getting inseparable. I told him that we either needed to separate for good or just move in. I told him that I wanted to be in his house with him and his daughter. So he took me to his home. His babysitter and daughter were outside playing. He took me around his house and asked if I loved his house. He said he had everything in the house but it was lonely without me. He pushed me to the wall and kissed me passionately. His daughter often joined us on our long rides. She was to start school and he told me to just wait and by end of January he will sort things out with everyone including his dad and my husband. He kept saying that his wife and his dad were making things impossible for him at home but told me to wait till January end and he would solve everything. He was under so much stress and I took him to the doctors. His pressure was bad and the doctor gave him some anti-depressant tablets. He told me that he loved me and the only reason why he was sick because he couldnt leave his wife and he couldnt live without me. He said his dad would break all his relations if he ever left his wife and he had so much respect for his dad that he didnt want to end his relationship. He cried heaps and I found it funny, as I never saw any men cry like that. His daughter œHouse of Madness being only 4 years old she was talking non-stop and fired him with thousand questions at a time. Her laughter would fill the room with love and it used to ring in our ears every time we thought about her or even talked about her. Being only 4 and she used to bully him into buying her stuff for keeping her mouth shut and not telling her mum about me. She called me œpapas life and sat on my lap and touched my hands and face as if I was not real. She knew my name so well and before getting off she would ask are you coming to my house with papa. Papa drives me nuts as he talks about you a lot she would say but we not allowed to talk in front of mummy about you, she would say. He had trained her too well. The day his daughter started school he called me over to a photo studio. He asked if I wanted some snaps of her and I said yes. He took the photos and went away without giving me any. He held her daughters hand and walked out on me. They went bit far and both of them looked at me and they burst into laughter. I waved to them and went back to work. He loved his daughter so much and I was cursing myself for ruining her life. She used to finish school half day and I reminded him to pick her up. He laughed at me saying that even his wife is not concerned about her daughter the way I was. He told me I would make a great mum and that he wanted a son and he even had a name for him which I did t like and he said fine I can get someone else carry him for me. One Tuesday in January I missed work again. We went deeper into countryside and sat high on a mountain. It was such a romantic place, clouds covering the mountain and there were light showers. Rather than being romantic he started telling me about his past. How his mum was killed and how his father left him to grow with his younger brothers kids. His first job and how his father used to take the money away from him. I made him nice rice pudding, which he was enjoying and telling me his stories but I was not paying any attention to him. He was fasting that day as his dad had asked him, as that would make his life better. When he finished I started laughing and he was shocked. What you laughing about he asked me. I told him that I had brought him to such a lovely place, it was like heaven, and he was giving me shit. He laughed and laughed. It started raining and he hurried back to the car. I stayed out and ran in the rain. I was so much in love and I wanted everyone to see me running like that and shouting. He kept calling me to get in the car but I just ignored him. Finally I went to his side of the car, he pulled me close to him and started kissing. It was so nice so much warmth and so much passion between us. I pushed him away and started shouting. He jumped out to see what had happened and there was an insect climbing up my legs. He laughed and laughed while I cried. I hated insects and I hated lizards and frogs the most. He laughed for such a long time and he even got out of the car to laugh as he was getting crams in his tummy. I got in the car very angry and crying. He pulled me close to him and I lay on his chest for sometime. Just than his mobile rang and while he was talking on the mobile I started to tease him. I undid his shirt buttons and he signalled to me to undo his pants too but instead I bit him hard on his tummy and blew in his belly button. As soon as he finished on the phone he laid his seat back and pulled me over him. Dont you ever do that again he said kissing me, it drives me crazy he continued and you know today is Tuesday and I have to do my prayers this afternoon so I cannot make love to you. I stopped teasing him and we left for home late in the afternoon. He took a weeks sick leave and we met every lunch hour. We ate and laughed together. He asked me to make him all sorts of dishes and he enjoyed them a lot. One day I made a special desert for him and he kept asking for more and I didnt give him any. Whenever I gave him food he never used to return my food containers on time and it so happened once that I nearly ran out of them and my husband said that all containers seem to be disappearing from the house. It made me laugh, as I knew where they had disappeared. In the last week of January he got another music cd, which had even more nice songs so he gave the old ones to me. He said I was his dump. Last Wednesday of January we were together again. My husband had gone to a party and he picked me for a drive. We started making love in his car when I noticed that he had bites on his body. When I asked about it he got wild and said that I made them. I didnt want to fight with him so I kept quite. We had a good laugh about my hair band, which he accidentally zipped up in his pants. It wasnt that funny but we made a huge deal about it and laughed so much. Thursday came and things were good. I wrote him an email but couldnt send it to him in time. He called me in the afternoon and we again started laughing on stupid things. He was playing a naming game for everyone at my office, his wife and my husband. We laughed uncontrollably for 15 minutes. He said that he wanted to see me leave town and I agreed to it. But as I was about to pass where he was parked a truck came and blocked our view. I quickly told him to move further up but he was not prepared to listen. He said that I no longer showed any interest in him and that I no longer loved him. He kept fussing that I was going home with someone else thats why I asked him to move to a new place so that he could not see whom I was leaving with. I switched off my mobile to avoid fight with him. He tried to call me at home but the home phone was out of order. Around 10 that night I switched my mobile back on and there he was sending stupid messages again. I didnt read any of the messages; I went ahead and deleted them all. I didnt want to read them and my husband walking on me. I told him not to disturb me, as I was busy with my husband and I would talk to him the next day. I just could convince him that I loved him as much as he did and I was not betraying him. Friday I got up early and cooked for both of us. I switched on my mobile and there were nearly 20 messages from him. I didnt even read one I just deleted them. I had slept in and was rushing to get ready. I was running late as I was not going in my company car and had to catch a public transport. He came to pick me up but again a bus blocked our view and he didnt see me leaving for the public transport. He messaged me and I told him that I was not going to work and that I had enough shit from him last night and that I didnt want to talk to him. I didnt know he was there to pick me up. I told him I was not feeling well and resting at my brothers place. He went down to check but since he didnt get to see me and just went mad. He kept bothering me and even sent his staff friend to see whether I was at work. I told his staff to tell him we will meet for lunch as usual I had something very important to tell him. I was finding that funny as how desperately he was looking for me. I called him around 9 to ask if he wanted the food I got for him from but he didnt come to the phone. He was swearing and accusing me so I decided to leave him alone for a while. After a while he called me back and asked who I was seeing and who took me home on Thursday afternoon. I told him to stop talking shit or that would be the last time I would every talk to him. He was just building up a fight and I didnt want to make it worse. At 10 I got the news of my life. He had consumed some kind of poison and was taken to hospital and was asking for me. When I walked up to the hospital I saw his wife sitting with his dad. They were cursing and shouting as I entered. His father said you ruined my son, Pappus, life and that I was a whore. I than realised what he had said to me once when I dressed up that I looked like Pappus bride. I walked up to a guy who was his cousin and he quickly took me to his room where the doctors and nurses were busy working on him. He forwarded his hands towards me, which his wife grabbed, as she had followed me in the room. He shook her off and held my hands. I asked him as wHy he had to end things like that and his reply was œits hard to love someone but its even worse to see that same person in love with some one else. emI asked him how much poison he took and said a cup. He said promise me that you will never tell anyone what we did and I said yes our relationship would remain a mystery for everyone, even for me. I knew that even a teaspoon of that poison killed people and he took a cup. I didnt say another word but just stood there while he asked the doctor how much time he had. emFrom what he said I guessed when I told him that I was busy with my husband he thought I was sleeping with him. From the time we meet and first slept together I had moved out of my room and was sleeping in a spare room. I even had arranged for a lawyer who would help with the divorce papers. I didnt tell him that, as I didnt want him to do the same. He loved his daughter and she needed him more than I did. After seeing him I went back to his office and spoke to his staff. I left for home as me being at work was not ideal and I just needed to go away. At home I tried to get some sleep and I was going crazy thinking whether he would survive and what everyone would say when everything is out now. Well survive was not the biggest issue as I knew he would be back in the office after sometime and that he was just scaring me telling me that he drank a cup of it and would start calling and sending me his silly messages. My phone rang once at 5.45 pm. Just one ring and the phone went dead. I knew it was him. I kept waiting for his next call. It rang again in few minutes. I waited again for him to call and apologise for his foolishness. Finally my phone rang more than once and I answered. It was his secretary telling me that he died around 5.45 pm. I held to the letter for a long time. In the letter I asked if he really wanted to marry me and move in with me. I also wrote that I married a wrong person and fell in love with even a worse person and this worse person had been so good to me and I was madly in love with him. It has been 5 years since he left. I can still feel him. I can smell him and I hear his voice. He was buried with my picture in his wallet. It was just my picture but I think I have been buried with him since than. I dont feel anything and I have not laughed since than. I pray everyday for him to come back or for God to take me to him. I need him more than anything in this whole world. He was my only love. He was my smile, my laughter and my tears. I am having difficulty breathing, as he was my life. Five years on I am not the same. I am no longer comparable to the moon as my life is just covered with black clouds. His wife moved on within few months of his death and so did my husband. I have settled far from the place where we used to meet and spend time together. So far from everything but all memories are still with me. I dont want to think about him but as days go by I am in love with him more than yesterday. And tomorrow I will love him even more. I know I sound foolish but I didnt see him when he died. I didnt attend his funeral services. Something keeps telling me he is here somewhere and I will accidentally bump into him someday. When I am walking down a street or driving down a road I am always alert and my eyes search for him everywhere. I love you and miss you as days go by. You have punished me enough for my deeds and words. Please come back and start acting like an adult. I promise that you will be the one picking and dropping me from work so that you cannot blame me for hitching ride with someone else. I will love and adore you for the rest of my life! Without you I cannot How can I live without Every night seems so long And the day seems even Please come back to me For the sake of our And let us promise each Never to stay apartment
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