my life; the way most dont see it as…

I fell in love with CA, although, I was only going to elementary school, I didn’t want to leave. Being the spoiled one and daddy’s little girl, I talked my way into staying with my 6^th brother ,Jared, with a family friend since my grandparents were busy working 24/7. Those bad months of living with the lady was horrible. She wasn’t nice and always took the money that our parents sent us and use it on her stuff; we were still selling cans and bottles and earned our own living. My brother, 17 at the time, worked at fast food restaurants and supported both of us. When he turned 18 we moved out. We lived in an apartment for a few months before my parents visited us for the first time in almost a year. They successfully opened a nail shop and was doing well. They bought a house in CA for my brother and I to live in. Then middle school kicked in for me. Sixth grade was a good year. Like most middle school kids, we were classified into the pop crowd, the nerds, the gamers, the losers, and the normal kids. I was just a normal kid and somehow had a “pop crowd” boy had a crush on me. His name was Roy. He was the one who had high school siblings and basically knew everyone. I didn’t like him like that but he was a great friend. We hung out a lot and got to know each other pretty well. He soon became my best friend. We hung out everyday since he lived on the same block as I did. I soon started to chill with his friends also. I became a pop crowd girl. He introduced me to his HS friends and I started to hang around them. I had no idea what kind of people they were but with such an innocent mind, rides to go to places, lunches off of school campus, and after school pick up in a cool car was the coolest thing a middle school kid can ask for.

My brother was way too busy with school, work, and voluntary work, he gave me 100% trust. I took most of it for granted. I was always out and never home. I always told Jared that I was at grandma’s house or my best friend, Val’s, house. I was out, at coffee shops, house parties, drug sessions , and long road trips. Then it came to one day, I was 12 at the time, and I met him, Anthony. He was a junior in HS. He flattered me in every way possible. Picked me up from my house and drove me to school, bought me lunch, and picked my up from school. He was always really nice and I thought he was the one for me. He acted different when we had people around though. I didn’t really care, at least he was nice to me. We weren’t officially together yet but I knew I was falling for him. One night when he was dropping me home, he asked me to be his girl. My heart stopped and I was in heaven. I said yeah and we kicked it off from there; March 22nd, 2000. It was really weird. I lost my virginity to him two weeks in the relationship and it wasn’t because I wanted to. I soon became a rebel. I moved out of the house and moved in with him and for the next two years of my life, I was doing drugs, school was whatever to me and I just didn’t care about nothing but him. His happiness was always my first priority. I loved him with all I had and I would have done anything in the world to make him happy. Then my life became a living nightmare when I was 15. His friends started to touch me in disrespectful ways, raped me, and told him about it. He seemed to never care and yet, it made him happy and he encouraged them to continue. For his happiness, I held everything in and went along with it all. I loved him. I stopped myself from drugs and just trying to pick up on school work and be somebody. It went on for almost a year when I found that I got pregnant from one of the rapes. I had an abortion. My family disowned me. They said I was a disgrace.

Now all I really had was him. Jared always snuck me extra cash and buy me things but he’d never stick around for long because my family would have killed him. Jared didn’t know nothing about how I was living. I always told him I was happy and that Anthony treated me really good. He didn’t know that I come home and literally sink into my own world of lies and fantasies. The only place in the world that I know I can find true happiness through my denials from reality. I worked at any place that hired me and supported him and myself. Out of the blue, he was really nice to me again on my 16^th birthday. He said he’s sorry for everything and none of it would happen again. I was foolish enough to believe him. For the next couple months, he was really nice; never really home but was really nice when he was. Around August, I found out that I was pregnant. He seemed to be excited at first but once I reached 5 months and could no longer have any thoughts of an abortion, in which never crossed my mind, he totally changed. He was back to his old self; cold, mean, and heartless. I soon found out that he was cheating on me with Val, the person who I would die for any day. She was the only reason why he was nice to me again, she told him to be. She told him that guys were trying to get at me and that I might change my mind and break up with him. He was scared of me leaving him and decided to get me pregnant and made it look like he was ready to settle down and spend the rest of his life with me. The news devastated me and I sunk into depression.

My last months of pregnancy weren’t healthy at all. I had dramatic weight loss and I was constantly in tears and bad thoughts. Then labor comes. I had the worse of pain and had no one to help me. I drove myself to the emergency room, went through 23 hours of labor pain and on May 3^rd, 2005, Jarron Quach was brought into the world. The next day was my birthday and I spent it in the hospital with my son. Anthony had no idea where we were and we couldn’t get a hold of him. Then worse comes to worse, I had a lot of difficulties after Jarron’s birth and doctors tested me and diagnosed me with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a heart disease. I came home and he could care less about our son. I started to lose my feeling for him. He was no longer the most important person in my life, I would not die for him any day, and he don’t deserve half the love I gave him. My son became my everything. I worked hard in school, although repeating grades was not fun at all, I did my best. I wanted the best of everything for my son and it made me so happy when I know I can do it. Time passed and I no longer loved him. I stayed with him because I wanted my son to have a daddy figure and never thought that I would be capable of raising him on my own even though Anthony had no contributions in raising our son. We basically lived our own lives for a good year and a half before the changing point in my life that literally ended all the misery and pain. On December 28^th, 2006, Anthony got in a car accident and died at the scene. I didn’t love him no more but that was almost 7 years that I spent with him. One third of my life was with him. I had my first heart stop when I heard the news. I was hospitalized but I recovered quick because I knew I had to be there at his funeral. I went with his family to pick out his casket, bought him the new shoes he wanted and just gave him everything he wanted. I cried and sobbed for days. That was when I contacted my family and told them everything. They flew on the next plane to come see me. I had a family again. They hated Anthony and refused to attend the funeral but they did it for me. I didn’t shed one tear at his funeral because I believed that he don’t deserve a drop of my tears. Closing the casket was the most painful thing to see. I couldn’t let go of it and I was literally jumping into the casket. The walk to the burial site was morbid. His family sobbed the whole way, I was carrying my son and we were walking there in silence and happy moments came rushing back to me and I realized how much I really loved him. I searched deep down in my heart for that feeling again, but it wasn’t there. I knew at the moment that it was gone forever. Throwing my handful of dirt onto his casket was so hard to do because I know that once everyone’s done with their handfuls, he’d be six feet under the earth and that my son’s going to have to grow up without a daddy.

After his death, I learned to put on a hard front. I was always the biggest bitch everywhere and I never showed emotions. I blocked myself off from love, always fearing that I will end up with someone like Anthony. I had to stay strong for both myself and my son. My family became a great help after the whole incident. They were there for me through everything. When I needed a shoulder to cry on or when I just simply needed some help with school and work. I don’t regret nothing that happened and I’m actually grateful for them cause they brought me here to where I am today. I mean, we all fail in life and it just allows you to learn a lesson in life. Understand this: you WILL fail. But failure is not fatal, as long as you recover from it. Everybody fails in life. We make mistakes in judgment; we become careless or selfish. Sometimes we just plainly blow it. These things happen. Your life will never be judged by the day of your greatest failure, but by the day after. What did you do next? What adjustments did you make in your game plan? If you learn from failure, you grow. If you become determined through failure, you succeed. If you are angered by failure, you’re motivated to change. If you rise from failure, you go on to greater things. And most importantly, never treat someone as a priority if you’re only an option to them. I’ve learned to be a happy person, no matter where it takes you. Be happy that you’re still here and never take a second for granted cause you’ll never know when your life is going to be cut short. However, all that is above this line is the past.

I’ve learned to love again and HE, Dan, taught me to love again. We haven’t met in person but I’m going to let my heart do the judgment and I hope he’s all that he had shown me. I’ve fallen in love with him and I really don’t ask for any in return. I’ve never loved anyone so truly and unconditionally and it’s just a great feeling. Due to my heart problems, I might not be able to live for much longer but I’m not afraid of death. I’ve had a good life and I know that there are people who had it worse. I’m happy to have found love again but it just hurts every part of my heart to know that when I die, he will have to go through the grief and pain of losing me. I care for him a lot and I really want to him to be the best he can ever be and know that I’m always right next to him through anything and everything.

i never thought i could actually write in here. but i am thankful finding this site. i hope i will make sense in writing my love story which had ended before it hardly began.

i met him at work in 2002. it was really a casual thing. exchanging glances, nothing more than that. i was his type only found out later. then i resigned from work. met other guys. loved other guys as well. continue my studies. live my life far from him. now its 2008. more than six years had passed. and now the problem is, i really don’t know what the fucking hell is wrong with me for he is keeping much of my thoughts. my god, it’s been more than six years. we parted ways, go on with our own lives, yet why in the world do i have to think of him now. i want to practically bang my head on the wall. its a love reciprocated. loving from afar. i hope this stop. could someone tell me how this thing called crazy love could stop. loving other men could help, but nothing compares to him. oh! i dunno what to do or think. he is driving me nuts.

i’m a 21 year old promising young girl who had a lot of ambitions and dreams in life but somehow everything seems so blur to me right now.i did’nt even come to realise that how and when emotions overwhelmed me so much.i’m writing this story express myself and seek advice from you all worthy readers.

i don’t know where to start from…well i was this geek sort of a person in my school,i.e i was not interested in talking to people much and always knew what i had wanted for myself and i was content if not happy in my own little world and thought i could conquer the world.love was a special sacred feeling and i always thought i would never be able to experience it and not because i did’nt want to but i thought i would never be able to feel anything so strong for anybody as there were a very few people i could hardly relate to.

then my world changed….i went into college and suddenly found myself in the centre of attention of everybody…whether it was guys or academics,friends…everything.maybe it was because i did not come with a previous reputation of being “the uninterested girl”.and then i saw this guy whose name was same as my grandfather’s whom i love the most in this world,and i instantly felt some sort of connection….i still remember the days so clearly,it was d first sem starting.but we were not in talkin terms…and suddenly a friend of mine arranded a tutoring lesson and he was to be teaching us a particular topic. and i was awestruck…really it was something,d spark…and i started hearing his name instead of everybody else’s…it was so strange.i thought it to be a passing infatuation and kept this thing all a secret.we just said hi hello to each other while passing each other occasionally and it bought a spontaneous smile to my face.then i hear rumours that he likes me n everything which i denied and did not want to believe coz i did’nt want to get hurt afterwards.but surely wanted it to be true.one day i hear he proposed to some other girl in our college and oh…it hurt so much..even i did’nt know why..i was so much full of grief and thought what i was lacking…???and what i could not stand was both of them together …it just pinched me so hard…and i lessened my visits outside so as to avoid their site…that was the first time i realised how deeply he had affected me…..then came the end of the year and after the break i find they both break up.

over the common college lan suddenly he messages me and we are talking over the text message chat till late in the night and i realise we had lot more in common and more than that first time i could share his thoughts which were highly intellectual and inspiring. it brought out the best in me and we disscussed on philosophy and life realising so much….it brings tears to my eyes when i remember those days.they were the best days with no expectations,no pains…it was perfect.and i was happy,i thought i wanted nothing more…really,i did’nt want to tamper with this perfection.but least i knew what fate had in store.

his mother had died when he was 4 and at the end of 2 nd year his father passed away.how much i wanted to be with him…to share his problems…it was a difficult period.he came in late to college and nothing was the same again..ever but it was not it.we were in touch and i knew i had grown almost obssesed with him.it was more of a secret for me coz i never wanted to believe it but people around me could sense what i felt for him.things started to get worse….he seemed lost and later i found he also lost his grandmother who was like his mother too.he did not keep well too,i told him so many times to get advanced tests done on him but he would always take things lightly.

the next semester he did not come to the coll for quite some time and i started to get worried..i would text msg him but there were few or no replies.even i got angry and wanted to see even if he was as interested as i was.then on his birthday…i called him up at midnight and he showed he was all fine and i doubted..t knew there was something wrong.that day in the evening through text msgs he told me he had liver cancer and the tumour was to be operated. i was not in my senses…i hardly believed what he said and did’nt want to.i gathered some courage and called him after a while …there was nothing much to say but that was was the best conversation ever…i was into tears but did nt let him know..i told him he was special to me and even he has felt something as i used to give him certain signs through timing of my text msgs….i knew there was some connection which neither of us could explain.

i was shattered but wanted to make most of what there could have been…and leaving my inhibitions i called almost everyday..we talked and i cannot forget those moments…he was so detatched from things,maybe it was required of him to endure the pain he was going through.i was scared what if this was the last time i was hearing his voice…what if i never would see him again…his every small thing reminded me of him…he was and is on my mind everytime..every single moment literally…i get up with his thoughts..every time ..whatever i do i miss him so much and i dream about him…

well then he said he would be coming to he coll once again and he did….i got up with a very bad stomache this morning…but i msged him n he said he was on his way to the coll. i was excited…he called me up in the evening and we met but there were some other friends too…i wanted a moment alone with him…ohhh i remember i was brimming with tears….i was soo scared, i wanted that moment to last forever n ever looking at his eyes …seeing him in flesh and blood…he seemed perfect to me…it was night and we had to be back in the hostels.i msged him to meet me the next day…i could hardly sleep,got up early and got ready…waiting for his call.and i saw one his friend..go out from the hostel to meet him and he was waiting for her outside,that nearly killed me…why did’nt he call me…he was to meet her just before he was leaving…i just could not take it and went for my classes without even seeing him that morning,i was so full of anger or jealousy..i don’t know what was it but i regret it now.then someone told me he was just about to leave and i rushed to see him…it was so awkward…and he was leaving..the moment just slipped away i could not say anything…just wanted to take that memory in me forever.

it was enough for me…i could not take it any longer and something came upon me and i msged him that i loved him.i thought he wud call me or atleast he would reply and he did’nt…but i don’t know why i was smiling that day,i knew he left but somewhere i thought i had him.he called me the day after many a times but i was not ready somehow to take up his calls..and when i finally did i could not talk to him…he said all he could say was that he misses me.

that was the last time i saw him..it was about 7 months back.after that it was all so awkward…after some time i gathered some courage and called him..when my mother was very ill he was the first person i thought of telling… i really needed him and he was there..he supported me even though he himself was going through such big problems.i don’t know where does he draws his strength from??seems like a movie story even to me sometimes…things don’t seem real..it feels as if it will all turn out to be a dream sometime.

he had his surgery done…and told me that he would be fine now but i always felt there was something wrong.i talked to him over the phone few times.it was my birthday and i expected him to call and he did’nt…i felt worthless…i was so angry i tore apart every gift he gave…deleted every picture of his…i was so hard..i was dejected.then i came to know he was again in the hospital n i felt so guilty,i should’nt have judged him even though he was so troubled….and he told me after much pestering that he was not at all well and the surgery was unsuccessful.uptill now i had lost faith…faith in everything….i was aggreived..i was all in tears and still iam.then suddenly he stops talkin to me…he blocks me on gtalk,he does’nt reply to my msgs,does’nt answer my calls….it has been the worse since then.3 months almost…each day i only think what could i do to make him talk to me??i’ve tried everything..i’ve been angry…i’ve almost begged him telling him its important to me.if he thinkby not talkin he’s doin me a favour as i would better not get more into him,then he’s wrong….he’s making things more difficult. i understand im being selfish as he’s going through so much,but then all i want is just to be in touch,who knows..its so weird because i don’t know what to deal with ?his far cousin tells me he’s fine..then i become atleast assured that he’s fine but at the same time feel so bad that he does’nt want to talk to me.and when i don’t see him on orkut for a while i get worried about his health.

i just don’t know what to do…i’m too much into him..he’s here with me everytime.all i want is he would atleast not cut me off like this,i really feel for him…what i feel is i think much beyond ne known ties and i could not find a stronger relation than love so i think this is love and much more…..

i love you so much….please please talk to me.the time is ticking away and i’m breaking down…

Alright. To start things off, i’m 14 years old and i’m a dude. The girl i was in love with was in the same class as me. Let’s call her T. Before the day’s of me likeing T, her and i were good friends. She’d always help me with my love life at the time with another girl. She was real friendly. One day, that girl i liked before and i got into an argument and we’ve pretty much went our seperate ways. T was there for me and brought me back to my feet. i slowly started having feelings for her. She was everything i wanted in a girl. We started talking more and more in class and on MSN. Our chatlog’s exceed 9,000kb. I had a feeling she liked me back so one day, i had enough courage to tell her, that i’m starting to have feelings for her. She responded by saying that she liked me back. Everything was going fine, we’d end our days with iLove you, Good night and such. It was perfect. I would say, we were only a few days away from being a couple. We’d also talk on the phone for ages. Then, that day came. My Best friend, Lets call him S, started likeing T, And would do whatever means nessesary, to get inbetween me and T. S would also annoy T and be real touchy with T. One time, during art class, T and i were sitting at a table talking when S came over, and sat on the table BETWEEN us. It was extreamly akward. Maybe i should of told S that i liked T and he shold back off, but i didn’t, idunno why. Maybe it was because he’s my best friend. Anyways, we slowly stopped talking as much and we’d occasionally get into an argument because i usually assume things, which i now know was extreamly stupid. The day came when she stopped saying iLove you and that’s when i knew something was up. To figure out if she still had feelings for me, i told her this. I think we’re slowly like fadeing away and not as close as we used to be. What do you think? And she said that yeah, i guess it’s okay because you’re feeling the same.. But really, i still Loved her. One day, on MSN, T told me this, you say that you don’t love me as much as you used to, why don’t you just get over me? That was a heartbreaker, it truely was. Now that left me thinking, of whether i should still like this person. It got even worse, she also later on changed her personal message to, ” I Love ____.” And ____ was not me. I was in complete shock. i started assuming so many things, and jumping to conclusions. She later on told me that that was an inside joke but i didn’t get the humour in it. Today, we’re friends, Close friends to be exact. I’m still pissed off at myself that i didn’t just ask her to be my girlfriend. Maybe things would be alright. S still dosen’t know i liked T. T now likes another guy. I still like her. I’m currently thinking about whether i shold just get over her or not. schools over in about 1 month. We’re going to differant highSchools. I really don’t know what to do. I mean, She’s amazing. if you’d ever meet her, you guys would probably be friends. She’s friends with everyone. It’s something about her that makes so many people want to be around her.