tormented past

It just started when i join this organization, on the second semester of being my first year in college,..his one of my master¦and i never thought joining to this org. would change my life. Everyday, i always saw him, greet him the way it should be but as the day past getting to know him, i never expect that i would had a crush on him. Dec.8 2006, when i become one of them, i feel overwhelm in his treatment on me¦it was very sweet of him, funny and kind, ive always been happy when i see him. But one day, ive just found out that he has a girlfriend¦i lost hope, my dreams began to shatter. I decided that this feelings shouldnt go any further so i wont be hurt and few days had past, it worked¦we play jokes to each other now¦ive alway call his girlfriend karma instead of carmi, well it was only a joke¦It was already Dec.22 andChristmas is coming so we decided to have a christmas party ¦on the morning, we prepared some food and we had a feast and on the afternoon was the drinking session..we drink but its only 1 small bottle of brandy so im not drunk¦everyone was having a good time¦and sometimes you just have to cut it out..I have have to go home ˜coz its already late. Mabel and I decided to leave with brod melvin and him¦when everyone has gone, were the only one who left¦..when i was about to look for a ride in the market, he told me that he cant go back alone in the party¦so we both go back there walking, laughing, and making fun of each other¦where almost in the party house but i remember that the only way to get a ride is in the market so we walk back again laughing and having fun, and that time he hold my hand¦.were near at the market and again for the last time he told me that he couldnt go back there alone so we walk again but this time we were like children playing in the road and every time we get serious we just laugh but the time he put his arms around my waist, i was so happy¦and when get there he decided that he will come with me, when we get a ride were both tired of walking¦inside the tricycle were making fun of each other again¦¦¦.but with just one minute we bacame serious, much to my surprise he kissed me¦a sweet kiss that no one could replace¦when i got home i was so happy although i got scolded by my father¦that night was the sweetest, remarkable day of my life¦i always see the picture of that scene in my mind, every hour, every minute, every second¦.and when i woke up the smile on my face cant erase or even hide it¦ on the afternoon he text me¦.asking why i let him kiss me¦why do you let me kiss you even though you know that i have a girlfriend???…he said…i dont know what to say to him…so i just tell him that I was just attracted to you…but I know deep down inside my self that i wanted to that for a long time………with that scene I dreamed of him again, fantasizing that we could be together………Thats the day he start asking me to go out but i cant, I have this hesitation in the back of my mind that is holdingback, telling me its wrong…very wrong…but its too late for me to stop coz I fallen for him deeply that i cant get my self out of this situation. I know if some other girls would have the same situation they would do the same thing, they will never ever let go of the man they loved, so i followed what my heart says…you should not let go of this man, do what makes you happy….so When Dec. 25 came, we go out together, Ive been with him all through the night until the morning light shines….. It was very happy that i ve been with him on Chrismast day keeping the memories on what happened on us…………. The Christmas break is over and its already school day…..I was very excited to see him but i guess he never miss me at all…Id see him with his girlfriend pass by in FRONT of ME, seeing him very happy with her…pretending that theres nothing happen between us….I wanted to shout, i wanted to cry, i wanted to hurt my self….id always tell my self you were so stupid!!!…STUPID!STUPID!STUPID!…..and once again my dreams was shatttered, my heart was tored apart, i felt I was broken into pieces looking miserable, crying and crying all over again to a nonsense guy…….I try to find someone who would brought my heart back……..but no one could replace him…and every time he call me, i always ended up running back to him loving him more and more…And when he is with his girlfriend….I always asking my self is he thinking of me too?? and wishing if i could be by his side but all i can do is cry….Am I so stupid to fall for a guy who could not love me back…when will the time that he will love me much more than he loved his girlfriend…….coz until now im waiting for that day leaving my heart an empty sapce that no one could ever fill in…..I still love him even though it hurts too much….